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About Me Member Journalistic Photographer Jezebelover1United States Recent Activity Deviant for 4 Years
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Something Hard

Thu Oct 13, 2005, 10:03 PM
I have been in a friendship with someone for a long time and I have tried my best to do everything I can to keep that person happy. I even let myself go downhill and think that I was not worth anything. I felt worse than anything. There was no lower than how I felt. I am trying to figure out in my head why I would go and want that person in my life even though they do that to me. I am almost accustom to the pain like its okay. I hear the things that they say and it sounds like they want me in there life but I am to much of a hassle to make it worth it. I want to get out. I feel caged and like I want to strike. I have giving this person so much of me and to feel like they don't care is like a knife in the gut. I have had them walk on me like I was nothing for so long. I feel like I am nothing. I don't understand what I have done so wrong that others have done so right to put me in that situation. I am looking at such a small piece of this picture right now that it is unrealistic. The crap that I am putting myself through is unnecessary. I want them in my life just not as much as they want to be there. I feel like I am being smothered. I am expected to act like a significant other, but I am not dating them and I am expected to be there when everyone else fucks up but I am not do any mistakes. I can't make plans with them unless everyone else is busy. I cannot hold myself up anymore because I have more on my plate than I can handle but I would hold just one more of theirs. It feels unfair and yet I do it without question, until a few days ago I thought that telling them how I was feeling would help. It did not help. I only felt worse and now I cannot keep myself from pointing out when it is unfair and a shitty thing for me to have to deal with. I need something and I don't know what it is. I keep thinking that if I could just get my distance from everyone and everything I could see it clearly again. I cannot see for the depth that I have sunk into this hole is making it exceedingly difficult for me to find solace in anything. I want to ask for help but who to ask and what can I tell them will help me accept to be there when I need to talk about everything that is running rampant in my head. I know of no way out of this accept to accept. I have not willed myself to do that yet. It is harder than I first imagined. I only want to know why not me, why was I not good enough. When in reality I was and they were not nor where they ready or mature enough. It always happens the same way. I teach I learn and I move on. One damn time I would like to stay! I want someone to take care of and to take care of me. I am looking in the wrong places though. I know that not anyone can handle what I am. The one that could left before I had a chance to realize what I was loosing.
*falls to knees*
Take this away from me...before I have no life or energy to siphon away.

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  • Current Residence: Grave yard...
  • Tools of the Trade: scalpel; rope; rebel 2000; candle flame

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Comments


:iconsurgicaladdiction:
Everything in life is hard. Everyone loses and gains and destroys. You have to understand that people do love you. From what I've seen, alot of people. Take heart in the love you have, the love that's been freely given to you. The love that you try to cultivate, may not always last.

*hugs*
:iconjezebelover1:
You are an amazing lady. Just thought you should be told. Thank you for the advice, your right.
:hug:
:iconselfmotive:
YOU HAVE BEEN HUGGED!!!

Spread the DA love around! (you can copy and paste this message on their userpage!)


*dingding* RULES:
1- You can hug the person who hugged you!
2- You can't hug the person more than 3 times
3- You -MUST- hug 6 other people
4- You should hug them in public! Paste it on their user page! c'mon..don't be scared of public displays of affection
5- Random hugs are perfectly okay! (and sweet)
6- You should most definitely get started hugging right away
:iconsurgicaladdiction:
YOU HAVE BEEN HUGGED!!!

Spread the DA love around! (you can copy and paste this message on their userpage!)


*dingding* RULES:
1- You can hug the person who hugged you!
2- You can't hug the person more than 3 times
3- You -MUST- hug 6 other people
4- You should hug them in public! Paste it on their user page! c'mon..don't be scared of public displays of affection
5- Random hugs are perfectly okay! (and sweet)
6- You should most definitely get started hugging right away
:iconjezebelover1:
Glad you caught on...nice to have someone know me that well...
:iconsurgicaladdiction:
I was pretty sure I knew who you were
:iconjezebelover1:
Aww, your just good like that... :D
:iconscruffypup:
YOU HAVE BEEN HUGGED!!!

Spread the DA love around! (you can copy and paste this message on their userpage!)


*dingding* RULES:
1- You can hug the person who hugged you!
2- You can't hug the person more than 3 times
3- You -MUST- hug 6 other people
4- You should hug them in public! Paste it on their user page! c'mon..don't be scared of public displays of affection
5- Random hugs are perfectly okay! (and sweet)
6- You should most definitely get started hugging right away

--
We are all one.
-Genki Sudo-
:iconscruffypup:
Hmmm I see that I am on your friends list and I wonder to myself, self who is this person and why have they done this? Do I know you?

--
We are all one.
-Genki Sudo-
:iconjezebelover1:
nope sorry I just wanted to keep an eye on your writing...nice stuff...

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