I have been in a friendship with someone for a long time and I have tried my best to do everything I can to keep that person happy. I even let myself go downhill and think that I was not worth anything. I felt worse than anything. There was no lower than how I felt. I am trying to figure out in my head why I would go and want that person in my life even though they do that to me. I am almost accustom to the pain like its okay. I hear the things that they say and it sounds like they want me in there life but I am to much of a hassle to make it worth it. I want to get out. I feel caged and like I want to strike. I have giving this person so much of me and to feel like they don't care is like a knife in the gut. I have had them walk on me like I was nothing for so long. I feel like I am nothing. I don't understand what I have done so wrong that others have done so right to put me in that situation. I am looking at such a small piece of this picture right now that it is unrealistic. The crap that I am putting myself through is unnecessary. I want them in my life just not as much as they want to be there. I feel like I am being smothered. I am expected to act like a significant other, but I am not dating them and I am expected to be there when everyone else fucks up but I am not do any mistakes. I can't make plans with them unless everyone else is busy. I cannot hold myself up anymore because I have more on my plate than I can handle but I would hold just one more of theirs. It feels unfair and yet I do it without question, until a few days ago I thought that telling them how I was feeling would help. It did not help. I only felt worse and now I cannot keep myself from pointing out when it is unfair and a shitty thing for me to have to deal with. I need something and I don't know what it is. I keep thinking that if I could just get my distance from everyone and everything I could see it clearly again. I cannot see for the depth that I have sunk into this hole is making it exceedingly difficult for me to find solace in anything. I want to ask for help but who to ask and what can I tell them will help me accept to be there when I need to talk about everything that is running rampant in my head. I know of no way out of this accept to accept. I have not willed myself to do that yet. It is harder than I first imagined. I only want to know why not me, why was I not good enough. When in reality I was and they were not nor where they ready or mature enough. It always happens the same way. I teach I learn and I move on. One damn time I would like to stay! I want someone to take care of and to take care of me. I am looking in the wrong places though. I know that not anyone can handle what I am. The one that could left before I had a chance to realize what I was loosing.
*falls to knees*
Take this away from me...before I have no life or energy to siphon away.